NOT ANOTHER WORD.

i hate this so much . i hate this so so much. its always my fault its always my fucking fault and.
i need god.
he left way too long ago.
i suppose thats my fault too.

do you know what my childhood was like ? it was beatiful.
i never used to laugh . really laugh.

i would dream.
i would hide in my closet.
i would cry when you couldnt see me.
i would hug you.
i wouldn't tell you what really happened.
i would make you believe me.
i would lie.
i would keep things in that box. i thought it was magic. you ruined that for me.
i would throw things at the door.
i would put our portrait on the roof.
i would smile and pretend it was alright.
i would take all the insults you threw at me.
i would shout at you. i would shout so loud the neighbours stared.
i would hit back.
i would make wishes on stars.
i would hope they'd come back for me.
i would hope they wouldnt. i couldnt leave you even if they could.
i would make *YOU* cry.

i never wanted to make you cry.

we were a family sometime back.
..i think..
or is that just
me.
things were beautiful then, really beautiful.
everyone knows pain is beauty.

remember the beads ? remember the hippo? remember the leopard and the seahorse? remember the sunnies? remember the gray top and shorts? remember the fever cool-down patches? remember the pool? remember shopping in tun jugah? remember bing?
sometimes i wonder.
..i'm scared you'll read this.

ive learn to laugh.
i wish i had learnt sooner.
-
i want to stop airbrushing things.
i want to shut up.
i want to tell.
i want someone to listen.
i want to go away.
i want to stay.
i want to go back.
i want to be alone.
i want to be with you.
i want to stop lying.
i want to never see you again.
i want to never ever leave.
i want to stay like this forever.
i want to move on.
i want to erase everything.
i want to keep it the same.
i want.

i dont know what i want.
idontknowwhatiwantidontknowwhatiwantidontknowwhatiwantIDONTKNOWWHATIWANT.

.i want meaning.